This is an entry that some people have seen already, but maybe someone else needs to read it...
It's a beautiful moment when you allow clarity & reason to overcome paranoia & insecurity. I've come to the conclusion that I should not have to prove myself to a man and give him reasons why he should be with me, but rather he should be the one with something to prove. Growing up without my father has conditioned me to believe that my needs come after the needs of my partner. I’ve spent too many sleepless nights and wasted too many tears wondering how I can improve or change in order to keep my man happy. As many times as I’ve tried to mask my emotions with a confident façade, I’ve always had this fear of men leaving me. Somewhere between my first boyfriend and my more recent “relationship” with Song Cry, I began to lose sight of my own happiness because I was so afraid of being alone. For that reason, I chose to stay within the false comfort of long term relationships instead of feeling brave enough to jump head first into the uncertainty that is the dating scene.
It’s time for me to make a change. I’m ready to take some much needed and well deserved time for myself. I considerate it to be a sin and a shame to have gone through as much as I have to finally take stock of my romantic future. Last semester Jénea told me about a sermon she heard where the preacher spoke on how the Bible tells us that as women it’s not our job to pursue a mate, but rather our mate’s job to pursue us. That being said I’ve decided that instead of molding my dealings with men into the fairy tale I’ve developed in my mind, I’m going to toss out all the “plans” I’ve made and leave it in God’s hands. Leaving Song Cry after seeing that he wasn’t reciprocating the royal treatment I was giving him was the first step in this process. From this day forward, I plan on perfecting the art of “self-seduction” – loving myself not to the point where I become conceited, but where I can fully allow myself to appreciate my own unique beauty and know my self worth. I’m proud to say that I feel brave enough to move forward with this after being in pain for so long.
The right man for me will love all my quirks and characteristics: my beauty, my sweet spirit, my ambition, and my spunk. I want a man to want to make love to my mind and body, not solely the latter. Marilyn met her demise while looking for love in all the wrong places. As much as I adore and admire her, I can’t allow myself to share the same tragic fate as her. I think I’ll channel this energy I’ve wasted over the years into something positive, like losing this last 15 pounds, finishing the business plan for my image consulting company, hell I might even catch up on some reading. In the meantime, if Broken Glass decides to come around he’ll be a VERY lucky man. If not, he’ll be the one missing out. Like Tweet once said, “Loving me means more than losing you.” A new day has dawned and the journey to loving myself has begun…
Life, Love, & LipglossThe Beauty-ful Misadventures of *vanity kane*
Monday, October 30, 2006
Posted by *vanity kane* at 7:05 PM
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