Fate is a funny little bastard. He makes beautifully unexplainable things happen in your life without warning, but behind all his surprises lies an amazing purpose. Just as I was co-signing to Keyshia Cole's sentiments in "I Remember", fate knocked on my door - literally. I had been running into Song Cry all semester, mostly due in part to the fact that he moved into my dorm. Each time I saw him I was reminded of all the pain, hurt and anguish I felt when we ended our courtship. During our time together I did all the things I felt a "perfect" girlfriend should do for her man, only to have my feelings disregarded and deal with an overwhelming sense of abandonment. As I have been discussing with both of my therapists, the main problem that I faced in my relationships with men was that I always felt as though I wasn't good enough for them to want to stay with me or that I was never doing the right things (both are issues that stem from my lack of a relationship with my father). I mean, how would you feel if you cooked, cleaned, made the bed and gave it up on a very regular basis for a man who didn't appreciate you for all the things you did for him? But... I digress.
Anywho, as I said Song Cry and I have been running into each other all semester so I figure maybe this is my opportunity to give this mutha fucka a piece of my mind. Surprisingly, he beat me to the punch. The other day we ran into each other when I was walking downstairs to go to the computer lab. He asked me when I was going home for the holiday because he wanted to see me before I left. I told him but immediately dismissed the notion to myself because...well...I honestly didn't think he was actually going to take the time out to stop by. Low and behold, fate came knocking on my door Monday evening.
Song Cry has just come home from work and wanted to makes sure that he saw me before he got too comfortable and went to bed. I ushered him into my room then we embraced each other, similarly to the way we used to back in the good old days. We started to chat and catch up when I noticed that we instantly fell into our old routine of playful banter. An outsider would never have known that we really haven't spoken for almost a year and a half. That is, until I coyly mentioned that fact to him. He sighed as a sign that he agreed and then went on to drop the biggest bombshell since (God rest her beautiful pink soul) Anna Nicole Smith circa 2002.
He apologized to me.
He apologized for the way he took me for granted and for ending our relationship the way we did. Older and wiser, Song Cry is now at a point in his life where he's been very reflective, particularly when looking back on his past relationships. When taking a look back at what we had, he honestly couldn't find anything wrong with it. His boys even loved me and his best friend (who apparently still adores me) asked him point blank why he broke up with me. Again, he was left speechless. He was able to come to one very strong conclusion about me and the former "we" that that has changed my outlook on our situation - he told me I was perfect.
Needless to say, that statement caused me to tear up a bit. He went on to explain that my ladylike demeanor, my bubbly personality, and my undying desire to make him happy is what he loved so much about me and made me stand out from all the women he's ever dealt with. Apparently, this suburban sweetheart from Queens had the power to soften the rough edges of the boy from the projects of Brooklyn. He did add that my "cute face and hot body" also added on to the package (his words, not mine). Of course he couldn't resist throwing in the fact that we were amazingly physically compatible and a lot of great sex (again, his words, not mine). Before we continued to reminisce about all the memories we've made - our first kiss, him sneaking me out to go to Coney Island in the middle of the night, our dates at various monuments in D.C., holding hands through the streets of Brooklyn, the first time we made love, the list goes on and on - he admitted that there are very few things he regrets in his life, and one of his biggest regrets was not fighting for me, not fighting for us.
That's when it hit me. For the past year and a half I've been acting out my anger and sadness toward this situation by way of the various men I was desperately trying to mold into Song Cry's replacement as the girls watched as I slowly spiraled into my insanity. My spiral was caused by the fact that Song Cry and I never had closure. Our split was so abrupt that neither one of us had a moment to truly take stock of our situation. I had been so hurt that my better judgement became cloudy and I started to become destructive, until I was so numb that I couldn't feel anything anymore. That night (thanks due in part to fate) Song Cry didn't tell me what I wanted to hear - he told me what I needed to hear. This encounter has not only dissolved the sorrow I have bottled up for so long, it has also helped me reclaim my sense of self-worth. Knowing that I really did do all the right things has made me realize that maybe I'm not so damaged after all.
Song Cry and I continued to kick it for about another hour of so. We decided that we want to rebuild our friendship and he invited me to a dinner party he's throwing next month. I am looking forward to at least be able to be his friend again, to me that's the most important part of all this. It should serve as an interesting journey though because the crazy thing is that our chemistry is still as sick as it was the day we first met.Chemistry like that can only be experienced once in a lifetime and that's only if you're lucky. Our chemistry is the very same thing I tried to force with The Editor and the very same thing I'm trying my damnedest to mimic with Poisonous.
Overall, I feel that our conversation was beneficial to the both of us. I see the growth and new found humility he's shown me and I am proud of the man he has become. As we lingered in the hallway I came out and told him that I missed him. With that slick grin of his he retorted, "You don't miss me, you just miss my jokes." We laughed and during our final embrace of the evening I wrapped my arms around his wiry frame and he nuzzled his face into my neck, just like we used to do. I was so comfortable that I almost kissed him, we just felt that natural. Does any of this mean that there's a chance of us rekindling our romance? Who knows. If fate takes us in that direction, then so be it.The important thing is that I've finally found the strength I so desperately needed to move on with my life.
We finally parted ways, with him learning that he really didn't know what he had until it was gone and me left with the bittersweet memories of our past.While this good girl did go bad, she's learned that she truly isn't gone forever, but he may mourn forever since he has to deal with that fact that he did me wrong forever. Fate may be a funny little bastard, but I'm thankful that he's provided me with clarity after the storm.
Life, Love, & LipglossThe Beauty-ful Misadventures of *vanity kane*
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
