Throughout the course of this week have I experienced a myriad of emotions, the strongest of those being pain. Not pain for myself, but rather pain knowing that I hurt one of the most important people in my life. I told myself that I was going to stay away for a while seeing as how the blog is part of what got me in trouble in the first place, but I’ve been writing like a maniac in between the incessant sobbing since I got off the phone with him on Monday afternoon. I know it’s all over the place, but bear with me. I’m sure he’s not going to even read this, but I just feel the need to share none the less. I know that it still may not change anything, but I am still sorry, and I will always be sorry for what I’ve done to you….
7.8.07
I feel like I’ve just gone through the worst breakup in the history of relationships, and the sad part is that we weren’t even together. They say you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone, and that cliché has never rang truer than it does for me today. Because of my selfishness, insecurity, and plain out jealousy I have damaged if not completely destroyed my friendship with The Editor. The shittiest part of all of this is that I could have prevented this blowing up the way it did if I was adult enough to tell him that I still wasn’t fully OK with him not wanting to pursue anything that involved us being more than just friends. Instead I chose to be childish, passive-aggressively leaving catty facebook statuses and ultimately writing the now infamous blog entry (which apparently he saved on his computer so he can remember each and every word I wrote). I honestly didn’t mean to hurt him, I was so consumed by jealousy and anger that I snapped. I didn’t even have a damn thing to do with the girl I referenced whom I don’t even know and had no right to disrespect. A dark, ugly part of me was upset about the idea of him choosing another woman over me and on impulse I unwittingly disrespected the man I care about most. The man who treated me with the utmost respect, the man who I was most comfortable with, the man I confided in & he in me, the man whose trust in me is now shattered because of my selfishness.
That’s not even the worst part of it. He may have been upset about me calling this chick (who, for the record, he really isn’t even dealing with) all out of her name and the fact that I instantly jumped to a grossly false conclusion, but he was furious because I failed to tell him how I really felt about our situation and he felt as though I placed him in the exact same category as Broken Glass, Big Business, Fraudulent, and countless others that really have done me wrong. This man has been nothing but good to me and in one foul swoop I took all that he’s done for me for granted. Any other girl he’s dealt with and didn’t want to pursue anything with got a nice 3-second, “No, that’s not going down”. He thought I was special enough to break down why we wouldn’t work out, because he felt that’s what I deserved. As I’m writing this his quote still brings tears to my eyes. He felt I was special and worthy of an explanation and this is what I do to thank him.
Maybe I pushed him away because I had no clue of how to handle his gentlemanly behavior. Saying “the devil made me do it” may be an accurate reason in light of my new found awareness about spiritual warfare. See, I’ve realized that the enemy knows my future just as God does, so he’s willing to do anything to get in my way and prevent me from receiving my blessing. For years he has been attacking me at my weakest point (my dealings with men) and breaking me down just for shits and giggles. All those moments when this little voice in the back of my mind kept whispering to me things like, “You’re not good enough for him,” “You’re too fat,” “He just wants to fuck you because you’re not worthy of any man’s love and respect,” “You’re a ditz, he doesn’t want to talk to you about anything,” "You only caught his attention because of the way you look, and nothing more," “Your own father didn’t even want you, what makes you think any other man will?” that was simply Satan coaxing me into believing that I need to seek male attention to feel validated. When I found positive validation in my friend, he saw fit to get under my skin and convince me to destroy what God placed in my life.
I’m sure that The Editor won’t believe “the devil made me do it” premise seeing as how he doesn’t believe that I was concerned about our friendship. He didn’t believe that my stomach had been in knots since Saturday after I came to my senses, that I was trying to find the right way to apologize, that I really didn’t mean all those things I said, that I’m not the vindictive individual he now sees me as, that I’m still his sweet Susan, that I didn’t want to lie to him about my feelings, that I didn’t stop crying after we got off the phone, that I was in tears on the bus and the two trains I took to get out of my concrete prison, that I continued to sob in the lobby of 1500 Broadway, that I haven’t stopped crying, that this is the worst pain I’ve felt in my 22 years of life, and most importantly that I didn’t want or mean to hurt him.
In my rampage I stated that within our friendship the two of us rarely held back from one another, which was the main reason I got upset with him the first place (I felt that he was hiding his female companion from me). He responded by telling me that he didn’t want to tell me about the other girl because he didn’t want me feeling to get hurt. He then added that I was being hypocritical because I’ve obviously been holding a great deal back form him. More over, if he wants to date other people then that’s his purgative. He’s a grown ass, 24-year-old single man who can talk to whoever he so chooses. It is unfair to him for me to feel that if he doesn’t want to date me then he can’t date anyone. He deserves to be happy, and my own hang-ups should not prevent him from the happiness he deserves.
The bottom line is that I haven’t been as good to him as he has been to me. I showed him most if not all of my most horrific traits in the blink of an eye and he has every right to be upset with me. I honestly don’t think I’ve cried this much in my life. I don’t even think I was this torn up when I broke up with Song Cry. The Editor and I had a very special friendship and because of my recklessness it will never be the same. We used to touch on the fact that every relationship has a season, and I have a feeling that this is going to turn into the coldest winter ever. I know that I have a long road ahead of me, but saving this friendship is beyond worth it. This ordeal has taught me a very important lesson about letting my impulses distort rational thinking. Through the grace of God we’ll be able to mend our severed relationship and who knows, this might even make us stronger. At any rate I hope that time will heal this wound, and I think that’s what ultimately the two of us need. As the mending process begins, I’m going to keep Psalms 30:5 deep in my spirit– “For his anger endureth but a moment; in his favor is life: weeping may endureth for a night, but joy cometh in the morning”.
7.10.07
My therapist once pointed out to me that I don’t trust myself, and therefore I possess the inability to fully trust others, men in particular. It is because of this inability that I put up walls and barricades around my emotions, especially with the wrong people. I ultimately used these defenses to hurt a man who deserved all of my trust and honesty because I considered him to be a confidante. My own insecurity and selfishness caused me to detonate the self-destruct button on our valuable relationship, or maybe I had already pushed it when I allowed the line between friend and more to become blurred. At any rate it’s hard to say what’s going to happen next. At least I finally decided to get out of bed. What I do know is that this is making me sicker than I have ever been in my entire life. I am hurting knowing how much I have hurt and disappointed him.
There was one a point in my life when it was fairly easy to cheer me up from any situation with the simple things in life – a manicure, a fly new pair of stilettos, a Vin Diesel moviethon, some fancy lip gloss, or even a Magnolia Bakery cupcake would serve as the remedy to cure me of my sorrow. Sadly in this situation I’ve gotten myself into no spa treatment, luxury good, gourmet treat, cosmetic product, or sexy muscular light-skinned bald man can undo the damage that I’ve caused…
7.11.07
God has been putting me through all this to teach me a lesson. Even though sometimes I feel as though I’m in a crappy remake of “Groundhog Day” I’ve been repeating these patterns my therapist and I have talked about for a reason. Until I get what he’s trying to teach me right, God is going to keep telling me, “Aww damn. You were so close. Try again”. But I know it’s all out of love, just like when the girls poke fun at me. God is preparing me for something so incredible, something beyond my wildest imagination. I better start taking notes, because class is now in session.
Life, Love, & LipglossThe Beauty-ful Misadventures of *vanity kane*
Friday, July 13, 2007
Posted by *vanity kane* at 12:49 PM
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