{sigh} Being an adult sucks. Even though I feel like I've had this air of maturity from an early age, nothing is scarier than making decisions when it comes to your heart. They say you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince charming, but what if you luck out and find two men that are worthy of such a title? Two wonderful, amazing men that I care about dearly and make me feel like the princess I am. They're both witty, intelligent, strong Black men who appreciate the woman I have become. The two would almost parallel each other if it weren't for a couple of subtle differences:
One has assured me time and time again of his intentions. There's no question that he wants to be with me. We've held hands down U Street, shared french toast from the same plate at Mocha Hut, hell he's even formally extended the invitation to boo-dom on two separate occasions. We've grown fond of each other despite the fact that he had to travel across two states to come see me. It just seems like things are moving too fast and it scares me. Things moved too fast with Song Cry, Broken Glass, & Slim Thug and look what it got me - a broken heart and a broken spirit. I told him I wanted to slow things down a bit due to my less-than-stellar track record when it comes to men, but he got a bit frustrated and pointed out how analytical I tend to be. He feels that it's not fair for him to suffer from the mistakes that others have made and has taken on the responsibility of tearing these walls down. Am I ready for him to take on this responsibility? More importantly, am I sure he's the one I want taking on that responsibility?
The other man is someone I have built such a strong friendship with over the past four years, and we've grown even closer within the past 6 months. Because of that friendship it's been easier for me to put my trust in him. I know he cares about me, but I'm at the point where I hope he cares about me as more than just "sweet little Susan". I just want to be the right one for him. He's dealt with a lot of shitty heffas who have taken him for granted, and I hope he knows how much I appreciate him being in my life. To think that this all came about because he was trying to protect me from Big Business. I mean, it's one thing for the girls to assume that he's feeling me (according to them no guy talks to a girl as often as he and I do unless he wants to be with her). What's even more interesting is that almost two years ago Song Cry even asked if he was trying to holla because he used to IM me all the time just to check and see how I was doing and update me on life in "The Backwater". Assuming is all well and good, but he's never expressed how he feels, if in fact he feels anything for me. He did tell me that he talks to me so often because he enjoys talking to me, but I'm not sure that's the same as telling me that he wants to be with me. Besides, he's enjoying his time being single and who I am to infringe on that? One could argue that our interaction tells a different story. In our case, do actions really speak louder than words?
Here I am at this crossroads torn between my two prince charmings. I honestly can't bear to let either of them go because I feel that I may never fortunate enough to find men like them again. As a woman scorned I want to have my cake and eat it too by allowing both of them to court me (you know, have a total "Nola Darling" moment), but neither of them deserve that. So who do I choose - the man who has laid all his cards out on the table and can point out all my tells or the man who has yet to fully show his hand? Hopefully I figure this out soon, I've never been good at playing card games...
Life, Love, & LipglossThe Beauty-ful Misadventures of *vanity kane*
Monday, April 09, 2007
Posted by *vanity kane* at 4:38 PM
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